Marriages die daily…but that’s not what should die.
People don’t fall out of love because they lose a feeling; they lose a sense of something larger than themselves. Enduring love requires something far more difficult than emotion: it requires daily surrender. A death to self, as it were.
Real marriage is built moment by moment, decision by decision. It means choosing how to respond when you’re tired, hurt, frustrated, misunderstood, or simply emotionally drained. It means guarding your tongue and your heart even when your feelings are changing by the hour. Feelings are fleeting. Commitment is not.
A strong marriage doesn’t happen accidentally. I whole heartedly believe that you have to make your marriage as important as breathing itself! And I want to say this clearly, because so many people have stopped believing it: it is possible to have a great marriage, you just have to suck it up, buttercup!
That was the kind of marriage I had for twenty years, until my husband Howard went to Jesus.
We were not perfect people. We had hard seasons, disagreements, exhaustion, disappointments, and all the ordinary struggles of life. But we shared one unwavering conviction: our marriage came first. Above ourselves. Above our individual interests. Even above our children in the sense that we understood something many couples miss—a strong marriage is one of the greatest gifts parents can give their children.
Lasting marriages are built by people willing to lay down pieces of themselves for the good of the union.
My wise pastor, Mike Lee, explained the concept of marriage perfectly in the “Out of Focus” podcast with his beautiful wife, Shannon.
Pastor Mike says:
“God did not create marriage to make you happy, He created it to kill you. And for some of you, it’s working. Marriage can be very, very tough. But, what I mean by that is that Philippians 2 passage, not merely looking out for your own interests, but for the interests of others. And you’ve got to get to a place where you’re willing to die to some of your own interests and your own desires so that you can actually look out for the interests of the other person. And, if that happens mutually in a relationship, it’s a beautiful thing. But if you go into a one-sided relationship, and one persons says, ‘I need, I need, I need, I need,’ and you’re constantly being the source of their strength and encouragement, that’s gonna to be a drain, it’s gonna be a tough road.”
Marriage only works when both people decide that the marriage itself matters more than selfish desires, pride, petty wants, or scorekeeping. The culture tells us to prioritize ourselves above all else—to protect our own happiness at any cost. Yet that’s what KILLS MARRIAGES!
Children flourish in stability. They are shaped by security, consistency, and the enduring confidence that comes from watching two people choose each other over and over again. You model what you do, not what you say. This foundation cannot be manufactured through convenience or occasional affection, or gifts of a bouquet of flowers or a bottle of bourbon. It is built through sacrifice, loyalty, and daily devotion. EVEN WHEN YOU LEAST FEEL IT!
For my late husband and me, our marriage was a union of three: Howard, God, and me.
Marriage is where God steps in. Because none of this is possible if you operate on “good vibes” or a kind “universe.” You must rely on the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. The Great I AM. The only way to a better life, a good life, an eternal life.
The Apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 2:4:
“Let each of you esteem and look upon and be concerned for not [merely] his own interests, but also each for the interests of others.”
Maybe that is the secret many people are searching for. Not the pursuit of happiness above all else, but the pursuit of faithfulness. Not demanding to be served, but learning to serve. Not constantly asking, “What am I getting?” but instead asking, “How can I love this person well today?”
That kind of marriage still exists.
But only YOU can take that first step.
CAT’S NOTE: This post does not address infidelity, addiction, or abuse in relationships. Those things never have a place in a godly union. Please seek help!
National Domestic Violence Hotline: call 1-800-799-7233, or text BEGIN to 88788
Suicide and Crisis Lifeline: call 988, or text 988