When people mention death, they usually mention all the kinds of death you can think of…like losing your parents, losing a friend, losing siblings, losing a close relative, etc. But losing a spouse or a child? Those are usually the ones they omit. And I have a theory about that.
I believe that it is subconscious omission.
Losing a spouse and losing a child are the ones that are prominently absent when people start listing all the different kinds of losses. These losses are just too great to bear and so people refrain from mentioning them. (I’ll leave speaking about losing a child to those who actually have. I only know what it’s like to be a widow.)
To most people, losing a spouse is unthinkable, especially for those who are younger, and that’s why widows and widowers are subconsciously omitted from ‘loss lists’. Losing a spouse is the most ‘lifestyle devastation’ through a death that a person can endure, so most don’t even want to imagine it.
Why? Because you do everything with your spouse and they are your partner in life.
You raise a family or share pets with your spouse, you create a home with them, and you might even run a business together. You are retired with your spouse, or managing a household with them. You partner with your spouse in many endeavors, you have sex with them, you eat with them, you dance/workout/play sports together, you hang out, vacation, and recreate together, etc. You drink coffee or beverages, eat meals, plan a vacation, endure hardships and celebrations, and do the entirety of life with your spouse. You never have to worry about having a ‘plus one’ because your ‘plus one’ is inherent. You have a partner in all aspects of life to support you, love you, and encourage you. You even have someone to bicker with…and then do the making up.
If you don’t currently have that kind of marriage, you are missing out on the BIGGEST blessing that God could bestow on you! You’d better figure out how to make that a reality by getting over your pathetic self and loving the one YOU chose to marry! Work it out together!
God gave us the blessing of marriage. He gave Eve to Adam because he knew Adam needed a partner. Adam couldn’t survive without Eve, and Eve couldn’t survive without Adam. They needed each other. From the beginning, we humans were built not only for relationship with people, but intimate partnerships in marriage.
So, I think that when people start listing deaths, whether speaking casually, writing a book or an article, giving a sermon or speaking on a stage, or a podcast or whatever, I think that it’s just a subconscious omission. Their subconscious mind is telling them: I can’t handle this. This can’t ever happen to me, so I must never speak of it. Or, it only happens to really old people and it’s normal. Whatever the impetus, their mind just doesn’t go there. (If you’ve spoken or written about death, revisit your own words and see whether or not you mentioned the death of spouses or children in your ‘loss list’.)
I know that that previous paragraph probably sounds crazy (maybe even self-pitying or plain old whackadoodle!), but until you become a widow or widower, you don’t see it. I’ve read dozens of articles on grief that never mention it. I’ve recently listened to a sermon that listed all sorts of losses, but not a spouse. I’ve listened to podcasts and watched videos that omit widowhood. And when I was in a grief group in my old church where we read a letter together about loss, the letter writer mentions every single possible loss you could imagine (including pets, mind you!!), but he doesn’t mention spouses. There were four widows in the group, and we all were like, “Hey what about us? Don’t we count?”
Don’t we? How could a Christian leader of a grief group keep reading a letter each semester and not notice that widowhood wasn’t mentioned in the letter? Several dozen times in the Bible, God commands His people to take care of the widows. Not ignore them, take care of them. Maybe in ancient times this meant monetarily and perhaps marriage to another in the family line, but today it would certainly mean at the very least: do not ignore them!
I believe the author of that letter we read aloud could not bring himself add to the list the loss of a spouse due to the reason most people omit the mention. Because losing your spouse is losing your identity, it’s losing who you are and your place in life. It’s losing your security, your homelife, and your partnership that carries you through the good times, and the bad times. To lose that unwillingly, in a situation where you both want to stay together, both love each other desperately, and you’ve not only carved out a life together, but planned for a future together, and then one of you dies, well, it is the most life-changing, devastating thing that can happen to a person.
I’ve likened it to being a refugee, and that’s what it’s like. To be a refugee…and then, by those who wish to help the bereaved, to be ignored.
So, I want to thank everyone who doesn’t shy away from widows and widowers. Those who care, support and love us! You are amazing!! I know that God has a special blessing for YOU for not ignoring us and for taking care of us!