So, I feel the feelings. Anger, jealousy, rage, despair, hurt and sadness due to my life being turned upside down by losing not only my husband, but my life partner, best friend, cheerleader, co-parent, and the gregarious guy who was the ‘host with the most’. Our house was filled with people and parties, and I was his sidekick/sous chef/hostess to his party endeavors. He smoked the meat, or grilled the steaks or steamed the oysters or what-have-you, while I made sure we had the sides and condiments, tables, drinks, etc.
For his last pig pickin’ we had over 100 people at our house. He built his own pig pit in the backyard with concrete blocks and galvanized steel mesh, and we invited all of our friends as well as the neighborhood. We did this every year. We were set to have another oyster bake before he died. Everyone always looked forward to our parties, or just coming over for dinner because Howard was “that guy.” Howard was the extrovert’s extrovert, and I was an introvert who became an extroverted introvert because of him.
Now my house is just quiet and there are no parties and the few times I’ve people over, it’s just “different” and I’m sad and angry because they have husbands, and I don’t. My friends have moved on with their lives with plans for the future, moves, houses to be built, travels, other parties and couples’ nights out. I don’t have any of that and it’s hard to hear them talk about their plans. I find myself feeling more comfortable with my group of widow friends because they “get it.”
So, my goal for the new year as it dawns in front of us is to work on what most people call ‘Chapter 2’ of their lives, but I call it Chapter 3. I had Chapter 1 as a foolish young adult doing all the wrong things. I got straightened up in one way or another and Howard and our kids were my Chapter 2. Now, I’m launching my kids, and even as I write this my son is two hours away at his girlfriend’s house. My college-aged kids are starting to make their own paths.
The new year 2023 for me will be to deconstruct Chapter 2 and start building Chapter 3. A daunting task at my age, or any age for that matter, but something that must be done. I’ll let you know how it goes.